Here are the first 4 steps. Check the link for the others… (Have fun!)
A Beginners Guide to Cycle Touring: How to prepare
Step 1: Get a spagetti-strainer and several small sponges. Soak the sponges in salt-water and paste them to the inside of the spagetti-strainer. Place the
strainer on your head. Find a busy road. Stand by the side of the road and do
deep knee-bends for 8 hours. This will acclimatize you to a day’s ride.
Step 2: Take some 200-grit sandpaper and rub your rear-end and the insides of your legs for about 20 minutes. Rinse with salt-water. Repeat. Then, sit on a softball for 8 hours. Do this daily for at least 8 days.
Step 3: Each day, take two twenty-dollar bills and tear them into small pieces. Place the pieces on a dinner-plate, douse them with lighter fluid and burn them. Inhale the smoke (simulating car-fumes). Rub the ashes on your face. Then go to the local motel and ask them for a room.
Step 4: Take a 1-quart plastic bottle. Fill it from the utility sink of a local
gas-station (where the mechanics wash their hands). Let the bottle sit in the
sun for 2 or 3 hours until it’s good and tepid. Seal the bottle up (kinda,
sorta) and drag it through a ditch or swamp. Walk to a busy road. Place your
spagetti-strainer on your head and drink the swill-water from the bottle while
doing deep knee-bends along the side of the road.
https://www.cyclingtrip.com/sections/guide/index.htm
