Reasons for Working on Ones Self and Soul
by JP
Q: What was my reason to live before I learned more about work on oneself?
I was creating my own meaning as I went. I was into the subjective side. Relativity
meant your world had as much quality as you put into it. I was into raw energy no matter where it came from. I was into creativity and eclecticism.
Q: How did I get into this type of work? What were the feelings and initial impulses?
I also let experience teach me and it started teaching me that there was an important level which was past me. I saw friends who were behaving like broken records. I for one didn’t want to repeat myself, but I noticed that I was! As soon as I first detected unconscious repetition I got more serious about life. I was starting to sense the differences between experience and reality. I started paying more attention, listening and looking for help that encouraged paying attention.
I noticed that I had been building things in my life but not on solid foundations. I’d been going for authenticity but not far enough. I started noticing that I was being manipulated at some level in my hobbies and had a sneaking suspicion of being a sucker. It was popularly accepted to stop where I was stopping, so I did. It was popularly accepted to stop anywhere. But I noticed the fault in this and kept looking around.
Then I lucked onto Ron Puhek’s group where people told me I was making silly assumptions in my life. They showed this rationally. At first I wanted to defend myself. I started looking for firmer ground so I could deflect their questions. My life must have some defensible basis! The people in the group impressed me with their ability to laugh at death while still feeling the full pain of modern life and not covering it up, also enjoying life just the same. I appreciated their politeness despite their skewering each other. It wasn’t personal or competitive. I detected authenticity.
Also I started facing up to more of the objective needs of daily life. Getting married and feeling the bigger commitment behind the ‘mere’ paper we scoffed at at first. We only got married to please our folks. But it turned into more than that. It was more than that all along, but the full meaning of a such a partnership wasn’t seen. Then there was the need to put my job ahead of myself yet not be upset about it. I experienced the practical truth of submitting desires to needs.
I was also fed up with simply reacting to ‘mass society’. I stopped caring about opinions and the news and wanted a connection with the source. I didn’t want to be tied at the hip in quarreling with my enemies, I wanted to be free of them.
Desires started falling away, at least for a time, and I didn’t miss them. I noticed the difference between when I was under their spell and when I wasn’t.
Q: What is it doing for me now?
More of the same. It’s like the third time reading something through. I’m simply cementing into place the things that I’ve learned which haven’t been turned into real understanding yet. It’s a period of trying to keep my eyes open in this new light. Sometimes I worry that I’m just reading about the work like an addict, but I see that what it is is the same lessons being repeated over and over. At some points when the time is right, I notice that they spark and then it almost stays with me. I sense that it’s a decent direction to be going.
